i don't want to write about 2008. 2008 is the past, and like they say, we should let bygones be bygones. no merry-making for me tonight. and neither am i spending the last hours at watchnight service in church like i planned to.

instead, i think it's about time to move on.
time to stop clinging on persistently to the days gone past.

sure, there are lessons that i have learned and that i will keep with me as i grow, but what's more important to me is looking ahead and what's in store, deciding what i will aim to do this year, renewing commitments and making new promises.

in 2009, i want to...
deepen my relationship with God - walk with Him closely and remember Him in all i do.
be a good servant of His and continue to serve God faithfully despite many other commitments.
be a more loving daughter and sister.
be a more supportive and encouraging friend.
be a competent worker and a good student.
stop believing the lies my mind tells me, and to remember that i am enough.
keep my body and mind fit and active.

that's it.
keeping it simple is often the best policy.

but above all, in the year to come, i will remember who is in charge of it all, and commit to Him every little thing.

may He bless the next 365 days for you as well!

i shall admit this up front - i've been feeling very bitter and sore this christmas. i could justify this by saying that having attended two funerals in two months, having cried my eyes out on sunday night when i was alone so my parents wouldn't catch me in tears. i've been fighting myself most of the year, damaging myself physically and emotionally, and probably leaving those close to me just as hurt.

christmas this year, it didn't seem to mean anything at all. just another public holiday. i took leave tomorrow, so the long weekend would be a bonus, i guess. and to make matters worse i'd decided not to go on holiday with my parents, and i was feeling pretty darn miserable.

so, while i was supposed to be praying for the carols by candlelight service in church yesterday, i whispered to God, "help me find You even though i am a mess this Christmas and i don't know if i want to believe in the meaning of Christmas anymore."

after the puppet performance we put up, which was pretty awesome by the way, it was time for the pageant and the service. the pageant was super cute and all, little kids being just who they are, but it was pastor sam's mini sermon that got me. i don't remember much of it because half the time i was trying to search for a missing microphone one of the puppeteers had used, but one line struck me.

you don't have to be happy during christmas.

you don't. and there are many who aren't. the mother whose premature baby is fighting for her life in the neonatal ICU ward. the family who lost a loved one a few days prior to christmas. someone might be suffering from clinical depression. someone else may have just received news that it's probably his last christmas. there is so much that makes us unhappy during christmas.

and it's alright to feel unhappy during christmas, because we are human after all. but in the midst of the unhappiness, of the struggle, of the pain, do you remember why there's christmas to begin with?

a baby born in a manger to an unwed, virgin mother, whose entire community must've thought her either crazy or promiscuous. a righteous man who stood by her through the mockery, sacrificing much of his social status. i don't think mary and joseph had a very happy lead-up to Jesus' birth, either.

but on that holy night, there He was - a King born in a lowly manger, sharing his first night on earth with an assortment of animals and a cacophony of noises.

Christ came to earth as a little baby to provide the remedy for a world shrouded in darkness, a world thirsting for answers, to calm the violent storms which plague our lives. if this wasn't the state of the human condition, if we were perfect and shiny and happy all the time, we wouldn't need Jesus. i wouldn't need Jesus in my life.

i've always loved to imagine what the star that guided the wise men to baby Jesus looked like. i've always thought it would be dazzling and beautiful, a beacon in the sky.

and that night as the star shone, leading the wise men to the baby King, it also led them to our source of hope, our stronghold, God in flesh, Emmanuel.

without Christ, mankind would have no hope.
without Christ, i wouldn't be able to face tomorrow.
without Christ, we would be shrouded in darkness,
and left alone to fight storms, we would fail terribly.

with Christ there is hope.
with Christ there is courage to wake up tomorrow.
with Christ there is unconditional love.
with Christ there is a Friend to walk with us.

and so that's why we need Christmas and even if your Christmas has been like mine, remember that you don't need to be happy during this season. you don't even have to be in the mood to celebrate and make merry. all you need to do is to be thankful for the gift of love and the gift of life God gave us and remember that because of a little baby born in a stable in Bethlehem, there's hope for tomorrow and a love that is greater than all of your fears.

something worth leaving behind.

i know it's Christmastime and it's supposed to be a time for celebration, but celebration comes to a standstill when it's time to yet again bid goodbye to someone dear.

sitting in a small church hall in johor bahru, malaysia, listening to the pastor speak about my aunt's life this morning had a shiver running down my spine. he spoke of a woman, who battled cancer for the last 20 years, yet whose constant prayer was that those whom she loved would come to know the Truth, the Way and the Life, just as she did. he spoke of a woman who loved and honoured God even though the hand dealt to her in life was often marked with physical discomfort. the legacy she leaves behind is outstanding, overwhelming.

you know, the sheer amount of people i saw in that church hall was amazing. my aunt's friends from church, the friends of her children, who'd obviously loved her and her family as well and relatives who'd come from abroad, they all packed the hall to remember a life well lived for God.

if God were to take me away tonight, how would i be remembered? what would i leave behind for my family and friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ to remember me by?

would you remember me as someone generous, selfless and loving? or would your mental image of me be of a selfish person, unwilling to give and filled with hatred? would i be remembered as a faithful servant of God, a woman whose life was devoted to worshipping and serving Christ?

it's Christmastime, and i can't help thinking likewise, of the legacy Jesus' 33 years on earth left behind. when He ascended to heaven to be with the Father, what did His own disciples remember Him as?

a loving friend, a brother, a wise teacher, a companion, a man who loved without discrimination, a man who didn't judge, a man who showed them truth and meaning in life.

Jesus left behind a beautiful legacy for us to follow in. my aunt did so as she departed from this place and went to be with Jesus in a place where there's no more chemotherapy, no more discomfort and no more pain.

and if we too, follow in Jesus' footsteps, the legacy we leave behind us when we go, will be something worth leaving behind.

some things i don't understand.

i don't understand why one recent death in the family is not enough.
why must there be more, and within such a short span of just one month?

i don't understand why earthly loss is so difficult to face even though i know we'll see each other again, even though i know they're in no more pain, and no more suffering. even though i know that they're with Jesus now.

i don't understand why, especially when i thought that this Christmas would be a time of joy and celebration. instead it is marked with grief and mourning.

i don't understand God's ways, and maybe they're not meant to be understood. all i know is that He'll give us courage to face tomorrow, and a warm big hug to comfort us even as grief swarms over us.

because He lives, we can face tomorrow.
because He lives, all fear is gone.
because i know, i know He holds the future.

"no more tears, My child. you may not think everything is okay, but I make all things beautiful in My time. I will provide, and I will arm you with strength and courage."

quick update before bedtime.

time whirls by crazily. within two weeks, i've had ten days of holiday bliss and started interning at the youth olympic games organizing committee.

i've completed my first ever 10K race, proving to myself that God made me stronger, mentally and physically, than i'd ever imagined i was. the buzz and the high i got from that beats any other. it won't be my last race for awhile, as i'm planning to run the adidas sundown 10K and hopefully a few other races, and then hopefully hopefully run the half marathon at the next standard-chartered race. God-willing of course. (:

it's been three tiring, but fulfilling days of work. i'm really liking it at my workplace. i've got nice colleagues and a couple of other interns for company there. though the other interns are going to be around for a far shorter time than i am, and i'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of the other ntu folks who shall join me in january, i'm thankful for the internship and everything.

been saying a little prayer every morning on the bus while i'm travelling to the office and it sure feels nice to start the day by giving my it to Him. that way, whatever happens, i rest assured He's in control.

i don't know why, but i have this feeling that my internship is going to work out awesome.