when it boils down to it all, what matters most? am i being an asshole, letting other demands take priority? am i even making the right decisions in the first place? why am i even shedding these tears - as if they even matter in the first place.
inherently i must be the most selfish creature ever to walk the face of this earth.
"Your kingdom come, Your will be done on heaven as on earth."
so Father, should it not be Your will that i go, show me what You want me to do while i am here. remind me time and time again that all things go according to Your ways, not my ways, and that sometimes what i want to do may not be what You want me to do.
teach me not to be disappointed when things do not turn out the way i wish they would, teach me not to get angry when things clash with what i desire. teach me to be patient and to love others even though i find it easier to get angry with them.
Your ways are higher than our ways, Your thoughts higher than ours.
Father, help this forgetful person to remember You. and not merely for a fleeting moment, but remember You in every situation she finds herself in, great or small, good or bad.
i get discouraged very easily. something happens and then snap, i can break down and want to give up at once.
this week was one such week. it's a saturday and instead of spending time with my family, i am cooped up in my room writing a research paper (and taking a break to blog!).
you may also know that i'm quite the procrastinator (and so spare me the lectures!) and so i was browsing through my hard disk looking through my photos folder. and i found that picture, which i'd saved quite some time ago.
immediately i thought of these lyrics. and i thought, how true it is that only God can raise us up to be more than we are. without God i'm really less than nothing, and if i just rely on my human capabilities to get me through life, i will most definitely tire and burn out. but on the mighty shoulders of God which can carry my not-very-skinny frame, i can face tomorrow. and the day after. and the day after the day after...and you get my drift. (:
recently i've come to realize that i don't really comprehend God's love. somewhere in the book of romans, paul refers to himself as the "worst sinner", and that i relate to quite well. sometimes, i look at myself in the mirror and see a reflection of pride, selfishness and in general, sin, staring straight back at me. in my eyes, i'm the most unlovable person on earth.
i wonder why a God so holy and pure, a God so mighty and powerful, a God who can wipe nations out with the snap of a finger, could love somebody like me. if God hates sin, then why could He love a sinful person such as myself?
sometimes i grapple to believe things because i can't figure them out. this sounds a little ironic, considering i'm reputed to not use my brain a great deal, but in terms of dealing with my walk with God, it's quite true.
so i'm glad these msn messenger exchanges took place, coz these people helped me to sort of begin to get it.
conversation #1:
me: sometimes i think i don't understand the extent of God's love.
friend a: you know that song...You loved me, when i was so unlovely?
me: yeah?
friend a: such a nice song eh? i only know the first sentence but i think it says a lot!
conversation #2
me: i mean i'm so unlovable. i think i'm the hardest person in the world to love.
friend b: nah.
me: i still don't really understand how come God can love me.
friend b: what nonsense. God created you in His own image? why won't He love you?
me: i was thinking, maybe the extent of God's love isn't meant for us to understand.
friend b: ya. but still He loves us the same.
looking back, i honestly feel kind of foolish.
there is this love that waits for me and surrounds me all the time. God stretches out His hand and urges me to take it. He wants to walk this road with me. He wants to let me know that He loves me greatly. but i just refused to accept it.
i grew up in sunday school, in youth group, and all my life i've heard continually the three words, "God loves you". and it's only now that i begin to realize that knowing something, and understanding or experiencing something are very different concepts.
and i'm pretty ashamed to admit that i have experienced and tasted God's love in my own life, on many different occasions. why then did i doubt, and doubt to such a great extent, to top it off?
everything must have a beginning. and the beginning of my relentless pursuit of God is to accept the fact that He loves me. without trying to reason anything anymore, without hesitating to question if He does in fact love me in spite of all the wrongs i've committed, without holding back any longer.
so even if i don't understand it all, i will stretch out my hands, and i will receive this awesome gift only He could give me.
i am a peter.
i really identify with this particular disciple's character. i too, talk before i think. i too, have betrayed Jesus (and probably more than three times). and i too, have not dared to step out of a boat onto water.
as i prayed the other night, i saw myself in that very boat.
teetering on the edge of stepping over the boundary, touching my toes to the water's surface. the Father urges me to go. "step out, my child", He says, nudging me.
and i see the waves, and i get cold feet. the fear is overwhelming and i pull myself back into my the covers of my security blanket, saying "i don't want change. it's too scary for me to bear all by myself."
and then the Father comes to me and says, "I'll give you the courage you need to take that first step out of the boat, dear one. I'll give you the strength to keep balancing even though the waters threaten to drown you. I'll give you rest when you're weary, hope when you're downcast. all this, because I love you, daughter. why hold back when I wait for you here?"
my foot stretches out, and then it recoils.
"i can't do it," i cry. i look toward the Father.
"what if You leave me all by myself? what if You forget about me? what if...what if..." i keep stammering. once again, fear takes over my being.
the Father just looks at me with loving, kindly eyes.
turning to me, drawing me close to Him, He says, "I loved you when you were so unlovely. I sought you when you strayed and got lost. I sent my Son to die on a cross for you, to take away every wrong you've done. how can you even harbour the thought that I don't love you? do you underestimate my indescribable love?
i look back at Him, wondering how i could be so foolish. haven't i known this all the while? why is it then such a difficult concept to grasp?
He looks into my face, and says, "some things you do not need to understand. you just need to know this - it's all because I love you. you may think you are alone in this struggle, but you aren't. I arm you with strength to face each day. I give you the courage to fight this battle. I gave you the victory. and it's all because I love you. I love you, my child."
this december, just after christmas, i will be going on a mission trip to baguio city in the philippines with my sec 4 youth group! :)
i'm really very super majorly excited about this trip because it's always exciting to go, plus, it's come full circle for me since i went on my first mission trip when i was sec 4. back then, my small group leaders brought us, and now it's my turn to help lead them. i'm quite excited about going through this journey with the thirteen youth who are coming along with us! :)
personally, i'm also amazed at how God is already providing for the trip and how He's already teaching me stuff. in particular, a big lesson about having faith in Him and trusting Him has been dealt to me. (:
i'm also so glad to see each heart willing to answer God's call to go, and i cannot wait to experience how God will move through us during the preparation and the actual trip itself.
you can check out this blog for regular updates: http://gofishinbaguio08.blogspot.com
